Earth is near completing another trip around the Sun; the short days and long nights bring us into a state of hibernation and reflection, while the icy sting of winter wakes us to life. Can we be awake to ourselves? Can we bring presence to our days?
Herein this issue, we bring you our reflections of the year. 2020 will go down in the history of our generation as unforgettable. It’s a year of many shared experiences and an awakening to our humanity.
How about a cuppa hot cocoa or tea this time, as you join us in our exploration?
Article // The Eye of The Storm // by Daryl
Article // Loss, and Abundance // by Rosslyn
Food for Thought // Invitation to go within
Poetry
Thank you for being with us through this journey. Wishing you all the blessings.
Warmly,
Rosslyn & Daryl
ARTICLE // by Daryl
The Eye of The Storm
2008. I remember the extremely heavy snowstorm—my friends and I dubbed it Snowpocalypse—that swept through various parts of the world. But what I really missed about it was how the world seemed to grind to a halt when that happened. The streets were deathly silent as people couldn’t attend to the busyness of everyday life. Suddenly, I felt I could breathe and think.
Fast forward to 2020, and the world is assailed by the raging pandemic that emerged from nowhere. While it has been an anxious 9 months since, I was somewhat glad to be afforded the opportunity for a reset. Like 2008, the world ground to a halt once more, and I could walk the streets without having to deal with the throngs of people surrounding me. Despite the pandemic, I must say I’ve been able to flourish more than usual. Granted, I’m in a more privileged position than most since I don’t have to fight for my survival, but even many of my friends felt the strain of cabin fever as they abided by shelter-in-place regulations. Me? I had absolutely no cabin fever at all. I relished the chance to stay at home without having to attend to the trifles that pretend to be important. So what have I learnt?
One, I realized I’m incredibly solitary and don’t need much human interaction. Although Rosslyn tells me I maintain connections with friends and family over the internet regularly enough that my usual routine isn’t really affected, I wonder about that. I suppose even if that were true, I’ve an incredible propensity to go without human interaction for extended periods of time. Somehow, my entire being experiences tranquility when I don’t have social engagements to fulfill because it can get pretty tiring at times. The peace of mind from knowing the pandemic inoculates me from the multitude of things demanding my attention is just so vivifying. I can even begin to hear my own thoughts! To be fair, my inability to ground myself is purely my fault. But the pandemic enforced a hard reset for me and reminded me that I, too, can enforce such a reset on my own if I so wish. This is definitely something I need to diligently remind myself in the future, pandemic or otherwise.
More crucially, I began to enjoy the walks I took with my wife even more. Near our home are a number of regional parks where we often go for walks. I actually get to hear the birds tweet! Too often, I hear people screaming/shouting, or talking loudly at these parks. Why can’t people simply let the wild be? Can’t they just take in nature and bask in what is present to them? But ever since the pandemic broke out, those regional parks have regained some semblance of serenity. Now, birds and small animals are less skittish, leaving me to observe them from afar. From the way a bird rapidly flaps its wings before taking off, to spiders weaving their webs while scuttling around the leaves, I’ve noticed so much more about them now. I’m reminded of my childhood poring over encyclopediae as I spent my time wondering, imagining, and even fantasizing what life as a non-human animal might be like. What goes through their tiny brains as they go about their days? What a blessing to be able to observe all these now that fewer people are out and about.
Yet, maybe these creatures have never been affected by us. Maybe they’ve always done what they’ve done, oblivious to us as long as we didn’t threaten them. Perhaps it was just me all along, being unable to centre myself and getting swept by the momentum of society. And now that I finally managed to catch a calm moment, I’m the one who’s changed and can notice these things once more. Maybe it’s true. I’ve not been on edge as much as I used to be. I notice not just the natural world but also a little more about the people I care about. Like the soft gentle breathing of my wife as I look at her when I wake up, or the subtle changes in my niece when I talk to my family over Skype each weekend, or even the fact that a greater levity seems to surround my family these days as if a burden has been lifted off of their shoulders and they’re able to catch a breather too. I, too, notice that I’ve been triggered a lot less these days by what would previously cause me to seethe in anger. My voice, now a deeper tenor, belies the greater stability I’m experiencing that allows me to hold the space more capably for Rosslyn. And where I previously would get frazzled by the sheer amount of reading I had to do, these days I’m able to accomplish them while preparing for the lessons I had to teach, grading, and still have a balanced life outside of my books. Definitely not something I could have envisioned last year.
This pandemic has not been easy, and if I could will it into non-existence I would. But since this is the hand I was dealt, I’ll embrace the fact I’m fortunate to escape unscathed thus far, and even emerge stronger and steadier than I’ve ever been in the last decade. For all the things I have lost this year—from the freedom to go wherever I please without restrictions to the minor inconveniences all around me—I’ve regained something more precious: the assurance of self. This isn’t to say they’re interchangeable but it is true that I’m reveling in the space that has opened up so gloriously for me. Life has and will be changed fundamentally because of this virus but that shouldn’t stop us from living. We just have to redefine living.
As we head towards the Christmas holiday, I know I’ll spend time appreciating my gains. May you appreciate yours as well.
ARTICLE // by Rosslyn
Loss, and Abundance
How shall I sum up 366 days in 500 words? I’m appreciating this question because it implies that I have much to talk about. I no longer fall back on that same old numb reply of “Oh, it’s just another year” that I’ve used in my late-20s. This year hasn’t gone by in a blur despite the many asleep moments I’m still having. Slowly but surely, it’s a tough practice to live life awake to each experience, moment to moment. Then again, 2020 has been such an eventful year that would have jolted every single living soul awake from deep slumber. Forest fires, pandemic, social unrest, elections, it has been a year of loss and suffering for so many globally.
Loss is part of our human condition; it has not left a single soul untouched this year. Essentially, loss occurs in every change, whether it takes the form of our identity, relationship, or physicality. And it tends to be hard processing loss because even in loss, our mind refuses to rest, resorting to comparing, shaming, or hushing tactics to keep us from feeling the hurt, taking us away from what truly matters.
Interestingly, I found myself learning more about loss. Colloquially, loss and gain are opposite concepts, but it isn’t straightforward like a plus and minus. The polarity they represent doesn’t translate perfectly to life. Life is not a mere accounting sheet where we balance losses against gains, neither are we weighing scales.
There’s no alchemy in loss and gain; it’s not an equivalent exchange. A loss doesn’t erode a gain, and a gain doesn’t compensate a loss. The magnitude of loss cannot simply be measured by the thing that’s lost, but rather, what that loss meant to us. How much did it matter?
I wonder about mine. What mattered to me? What do I need to grieve for and let go of this year?
Photographs of Kyoto, Japan, that were shared on Facebook recently brought tears to my eyes. Oh just how much I missed traveling. I had held back this part of me till the desire and uncertainty of traveling back to the country I adore broke the dam. And I wished, “One more time, perhaps, once again, if life permits, let me roam the streets of Kyoto. This time, I will go at my own pace, saunter and savor each sight, each smell, each sound.” How much of it had I taken for granted?
Despite not needing regular outdoor activities, I still miss the outdoors. I miss the freedom of taking the train, roaming, and exploring parts of the city on foot. I miss road trips to neighboring cities. I miss the smiles of strangers while appreciating the crescent-moon eyes I meet. I miss just hanging out in a café, contemplating life, reading, writing, people-watching and wondering about them. I miss taking my time hanging out in the bookstores, feasting on the endless shelves of colorful book covers while wishing mine was up there. I miss enjoying brunch out in a nice place on a Sunday, chatting leisurely with Daryl as though we were on a date. I miss stretching my entire being in the vastness of Glenstone Museum. I lost the lifestyle I used to have and the many familiar parts that helped me get by life in the US.
This year is not all about losses, of course. When I pause to soak in my experiences of this year, despite the many moments of anxiety driven by scarcity, the truth is, 2020 has been abundant for me.
A refreshing breather it was to witness the entire world slowing down during the lockdown periods. A temporary halt in the rat race as people began to turn inward and to the things that truly mattered to them. I experienced the calming down of my nervous system. Suddenly, the illusory tigers haunting me were put to sleep, and the world seemed normalized and possible for an introvert to thrive.
Being highly sensitive to the energy exuded by people, connecting with people over Zoom, instead of physically, provided me with space to practice being more present and open with the other. I enjoyed the luxury of space to practice my boundaries—saying no or yes—at my own pace and at a comfortable distance.
I received, too, the chance to deepen connections with my loved ones through regular Zoom calls. Funny how when meetings in person are impossible, we actually work harder in finding new ways to connect. And the crisis mode that the pandemic has put us in reminds us not to take things, especially people, for granted.
Many classes and retreats were brought online which allowed me to continue my spiritual studies and practice on a lower budget, saving on the costs of physical travel.
Quiet days afforded me a retreat into my inner world to face my deep fears and explore them in writing. It was my time for ‘me-time’. Some moments, I savored my breaths; others, buried in dread. A journey through the dark night of the soul, terrifying and refreshing. I truly appreciate those moments of solitude to meet and get to know myself.
2020 has been a year of finding my ground and my voice, and diving into my being. I emerged from 2020 with spaciousness and wonder.
What will 2021 hold? It remains a mystery and my wish for myself is to surrender to the mystery. Allowing, allowing, allowing…
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Invitation to go within
Dear reader,
Both Daryl and Rosslyn appreciate and celebrate the solitary and quiet moments brought about by the pandemic. Evidently, their introverted personalities shine through their reflections. Your experience may be totally different, and we invite you to honor yours, too, like we’ve honored ours.
There are endless questions to reflect upon, we won’t attempt to repeat the list here, but instead, here’re a few short ones to support you in finding more questions you need.
Where are you finding yourself as we approach the end of this year?
What, in you, wishes to speak? What might it say about this year? What might it say about you?
What needs acknowledgment and appreciation? What needs support? What needs grieving? What needs letting go?
What seeds will you continue to water? What new ones will you sow?
May you bring presence and light to whatever is calling.
POETRY // by Rosslyn
#FlowerWisdom
There’s a time for the bud
and a time for the bloom
No hurry, no tarry,
cling neither
to safety
nor beauty
give each
the space it needs
Let the bloom be received
Let the bud be grieved
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